Taking it seriously

The book that I have dared to write is not necessarily about myself, but the truth is when I give birth to this book, the book is going to give birth to a new me. When I accomplish this project, I'm going to be another me. The process of writing and publishing the book will transform me and I will no longer going to be the same. The bitter truth, however, is that I'm not giving this project the devotion that it deserves. What a great potential this project carries and what an unjustly little share of my attention and mental energy I'm allocating to it.

The reason that I'm being so helplessly in the state of impasse is that I'm so much distorted. My sense of self has been distorted at this point. My daily life is both disoriented and disorganized. Life is at chaos. The universal energy is trying pass a very crucial message to me but I'm not being able to listen to the whisper. I've been disconnected from my essence. My vital life energy is running out. This is the reason great ideas are not springing.

I was in Nepal and I wished to get out of there. That happened. I arrived in the United States. However, I was in a embarrassingly small school having to pay $10,000 in tuition per year and having to live in an overcrowded apartment with stupid mates in Virginia. Then I made efforts to get myself out of there and relocate myself to a better university and better living conditions. That too  happened as I transferred to Ramapo College of New Jersey. However, a fresh set of problems hit as I had to arrange $5000 very urgently. I was in despair resulting from the uncertainty. For now, the money for the first semester is paid out. Then at the recent present, I find myself at the fresh set of challenges: immunization requirement, lack of work on-campus, my inability to adhere to the values of my ideal self, the fact that my past keeps haunting me for whatever the reasons, and finally the anxiety that seems to be so much inherent in me.

While many urgent things tend to pull me apart, I find myself not being composed enough to do the project some favor. I have got to do a whole bunch of things to make sure that this project happens. That ranges from archiving the large database on the earthquake of Nepal and related stories. More importantly, I must reflect and meditate on the message that I want to deliver through my book. The book, while being an engaging narrative of the earthquake must also possess sufficient intellectual complexity and depth.
One reason that I'm showing so much inertia against the project might be the sense of doubt on my own capabilities. Deeply rooted in my psyche might be the question on my ability of writing a book on a topic as vast and serious as the earthquake. Moreover, the doubt over the publication of this book also might be snuffing my zeal on the project. I might not be seeing the underlying obstacle laid by the deeper factors.

However, whatever might be the excuses not to do, I must come up with the reasons to do.
If I get this project done, and if I get my book written and published.....my life will be at once catapulted into the situation when all my financial and psychological crises will be solved. All the conflict I'm embroiled with will vanish into the thin air and I'll be reborn. There are two paths leading to the opposite results: one is of giving in to the excuses of not doing the project; the other is of doing it. I have reasons to it. An enormous potential which has long been looking at me and teasing from a distance will be just unlocked. I will win the respect of myself. Winning the respect of myself is so much important. Being happy really matters. And I won't happy until I make things happen. I should no longer remain miserable. I should rescue myself out of this stupid condition. The only way out is by writing. I can at least get started with this. I must write my way out. I must write my way out.

I still find myself spending lots of time and mental energy in the trivia, which is so unfortunate. I don't understand why I'm letting myself be doomed. This should no longer remain the case.

The conflict in my personality! That's causing a big deal of friction in  my daily life. It's bringing my efficiency down. The reason of the conflict is the awkwardness of situation and of perception I've been placed in. When I should have been pursuing a doctorate degree, when I should have been a famous writer and speaker already, when I should have been rich and sagacious, I still am circling in the trap of the undergraduate degrees, being a half-hearted writer, broke and stupid. My ideal self is shouting at me and I am trying so hard to ignore, which I clearly can't do. 

It's been quite a while I've been stuck in an unfortunate state of worrying about things but not reflecting on the cores of my life. My actions don't seem in agreement with my values. My wisdom seems to have stagnated. I'm moving further every moment to the edge of helplessness. I should rescue myself out of this state immediately.

Whatever happened in life up to this point, happened. I might have done things right, or wrong or whatever. Because of whatever happened or whatever I did up to this point, I am what I am. Successful or failure. Mediocre or exemplary. Somewhere in between. I let go of whatever happened or could have happened in the past. I stop resenting about whatever I did or didn't do in the past. Instead I at this very moment, take mental conviction to take my life at my own command. I won't simply let life happen. I will take charge of it. From this moment. I won't falter after an hour. I will stay firm. And most importantly, I will make this project happen.

Whatever takes for the completion of this project, I will do. I will give my cent percent to make it happen. I am ready to work hard. To descend to the practical ground from the ground of philosophy, I will have to embrace a shift in lifestyle. Can I wake up at 5? For that can I go to bed pretty early? Probably at 11? Can I skip the late night dinner? Yes. I can. I should.
Whatever be the case, I will make it happen.
I will succeed.

Witness the tremor!

Some of the videos of the earthquake in Nepal:

(At central Kathmandu) 

(Comprehensive earthquake coverage) 

(Dharahara tower collapse)

(Clips of terror) 

[Videos derived from The Kathmandu Post ]

Where's my project reached?

I've been going through deep reflections on how my proposed book would be best written. So far I have developed a bold and decisive mindset on carrying out this project despite all the possible challenges I may face. One major challenge facing this project is that this project is the most demanding project of my life and possibly the most rewarding. While English is not a difficult language for me, I'm still not fully competent in its use to deliver a world-class piece of writing. While I shall be taking the support of my American friends and my FYS professor to edit for the linguistic flaws that I am inadvertently going to have, I must be prepared to go extra mile to make sure that my English is not clumsy.

The core of the project is definitely the content of my book. Obviously I don't want to bore my readers with the one-sided story of our suffering. I don't want to appear pathetic in front of them. Instead, I want to present a candid story (or stories) of what great adventures we had because of the shaken earth and how we have shown resilience. The book will not be a report, nor will I make it appear like a scholarly journal. I know it must be a fictional portrait of the earthquake and how people became affected. It'll be a single story made up of interconnected sub-stories. And it will be really engaging and insightful for the readers. It will be something they can entertain while being informed of such a deadly history.

Lots of different ways are developing in my mind. And I know I'll definitely come up with great idea about the content.

(The image above is generated by PosterBurner using the background image from Google Image)

Preparing for the project

Here I stand.....having formally and decidedly announced that I'd be undertaking the project of writing a book titled "Shaken Earth & Fallen Marine". The project is so big, or even burdensome, that sometimes it scares me. My problem, however, is that I can't settle in small play. Even more serious problem with me is that I am very good and innovative and promising during the inception phase of any project but then I start to flicker; I wither. Here lies the present crisis of my life.
This has to change.
While I began this entry by suggesting the imminence and possible challenge facing the project, I have landed on the battlefield. I may feel afraid and decide to flee, which further weakens me and I get slain before I can exit this trap. Therefore, I might rather give my unwavering commitment and efforts for the big cause that I'm working for. Peripheral problems might never stop arising, not only in my life, but in the life of virtually everyone. Thousands of people are being killed in shootings, accidents, bombings, and crimes. I've lived in this earth for almost quarter century now and I've not even suffered a bone fracture! The earthquake as big as 7.9 in Richter Scale left me unscathed. While billions of people right this moment are struggling to have enough food and shelter to survive, I have aplenty. I really have so many things which billions of people in the world only dream about and still I seem to be fearful and unhappy about this all. If I am unhappy and fearful, if I am ungrateful, my suffering will have no end. My problem, also, is that I seem to be too worried about the result while not giving my 100%.
The reason I am talking this all on my Idea Lab blog is because for doing justice to the project and to perform up to my potential, I must first acquire a mindset or psychological condition conducive and efficient for giving my hundred percent to the project.
While I will definitely come up with a manuscript  in a couple of months, more important thing to give the project life is getting it published. Obviously, whether the book gets published is determined by how good I write. If I write a great work the humanity would love to read, then my book will not only publish, it will sell in hundreds of thousands or even millions of copies.

With all these things in mind, let me come to the real point.
How do I get started?
What do I write?
Will it be entirely true stories/story or the fictionalized version of the reality?
What are my sources and resources? How long do I plan to write?
Will it be an anthology of independent stories or several intertwined stories presented as a novel?
What will be the philosophy that I want to deliver to the world via this book?

Well, as discussed in previous entries, I should rather make it a novel with several intertwined stories.
Within a couple of days I have to come up with a unified plot on which I want to expand my book.

[ The video posted above is taken from  Nepal Earthquake 2015 ]

Elevator Pitch Video

This video is a part of our FYS class requirement and it purports to give very short overview of the project I'm working on for "Affecting Change". Give it a look!

Especial thanks to Roman Raut from Nepal for the making of this video.  It can also be viewed on my Youtube Channel: Click Here

My Project brainstorming

I'm at the computer lab of Potter Library of Ramapo College of New Jersey. The days are flying in supersonic pace. I fear I may be left behind.

About the book that I've formally undertaken to write and publish as a project of First Year Seminar  "Idea Lab: Affecting Change" class, I am understanding today that it better be a single story instead of collection of stories. Well, I must cover at least two major events: the earthquake experience and falling of the US marine helicopter. I may also connect the story to Everest avalanche and Langtang destruction. I can connect the issues of human trafficking and sexual abuse during the weeks under tent at the wake of the earthquake (and the aftershocks). The backdrop is the reality, a truth but I can't claim to write an absolutely factual story or stories. I must fictionalize a lot of things to make my book (1) interesting to read (2) and woven in a single thread of happenings.

Various writers have done so. Rakesh Wadhwa's THE DEAL MAKER is a complete fiction but it is written on the backdrop of real Indian socio-politics. It sounds real. Chetan Bhagat's depiction of Ahmedabad earthquake in his novel "Three Mistakes of My Life" is another example. I should also exploit this extraordinary opportunity to create a grand fiction surrounding the recent events in Nepal. It will have several advantages: (1) I don't need to validate the things that I write on the book, which a non-fictional work must do (2) I will have more readers  (3) I can connect the extraordinary events of Nepal into a single thread of story (4) I will end with more creative work of art, thereby receiving higher credits for the book.

I've put on hold other projects ( THE VIRGIN, THE QUEST OF ENLIGHTENMENT, THE BAD MASTER AND THE THIRD WORLD WAR, THE MEMOIR OF A MANIAC) to undertake this new project. I must make this book THE SHAKEN EARTH AND THE FALLEN MARINE a defining step of my writing career.

What about connecting the Maoist Insurgency and Royal Massacre of 2001 also in my fictional story? It'll be such an amusing book of history! Indeed. Of course I need a truly amazing fictional plot to connect all these events....but I understand it'll be worth it.

God, the idea of seriously and practically undertaking this book writing project has spurred and revived a series of other book ideas in my mind: what about the fiction I thought months ago on the life of so-called Don Chari and his lover Khusbu Oli? There can be such a spectacular book to read. I really stand at the point of rocking the world by my books. A lot is happening.

And this FYS project has really inspired me to take writing on my daily life: on my routine. I better integrate writing in every day of my present life if I want to pursue it on the present and yield great results very soon. Being a non-native English writer is not as big a problem as not practicing.
Developing ideas every day bit by bit and honing writing skill bit by bit every day is very important.

I've very thankful and grateful to professor Jennifer Szabo for her approval, support and encouragement towards this.
संजय क्षेत्री
रामपो कलेज अफ न्यु जर्सी
संयुक्त राज्य अमेरिका 

The backdrop of my book!

Widespread destruction by April 25 earthquake and its aftershocks! Houses crumbled everywhere. I was practicing Mathematical Analysis in my study room on the fourth floor of our four-storied house in northern Kathmandu when all of the sudden everything started to shake. The vibration grew with every passing second and before I figured out what was happening, the violent jerking caused the walls of the room to start cracking. The steel cupboard fell; my book racks fell; the loudspeaker fell; pretty much everything vertical fell in the room. The water jar fell and water spilled all over the room. This all happened very quickly and I in the middle of the chaos, I started to understand that it was a massive earthquake: the one I had been seeing in my dreams consistently for ten nights. The house was shaking, swinging and collapsing. Even till then running downstairs had not occurred to my life. I had a hope that I would not die that way. Or that the house would not simply crumble. I thought that walls might fall and the ceiling might crack and the house might be wrecked in the might of a few seconds. When this calculation was going on, I thought the attempt to run three stories down the staircases was not possible. Then I decided: This house is gone. But I should leave......And my mom and sister and brother who were in the third floor.

After 60 seconds of horror, the first strike stopped. The house had cracks but it was still standing. I then quickly ran downstairs. But the shaking was still not completely gone. When I reached the ground floor, I saw huge cracks at the edges of the house on the ground. The house was one or two seconds from collapsing. I saw a huge crowd of traumatized neighbors and my family members on the field adjoining our house. I was the only one left in our house during the whole one minute vibration. 

The earthquake, however, didn't stop there. Aftershocks big and small continued to rock. The radio on people's phones started to broadcast about the devastation. Our landmark tower called Dharahara is gone. Most of our historical buildings are gone. A local school nearby collapsed. And so on. That night, all of us, family members and neighbors slept right on that ground under the open sky without food or water. The earthquake kept rocking. Aftershocks continued. We could not sleep. To make the matte worse, it started to drizzle around the midnight. But we were alive and so thankful. Thousands had perished when we survived. 

When I looked back, our house should not have been standing: given that relatively stronger houses have collapsed. Had it fallen, who knows whether I would see the next sunrise. I could be buried in the debris of my own house. Or my beloved family member would perish. 

But my house didn't crumble. And I was alive even after that deadly earthquake. So many people whom I knew died. My friends died. Some relatives died. 

For more than a month, we slept under the tents on the ground. Our house which used to mean our safe refuge had now turned into the symbol of death. 

On the several days, I was plunged into serious soul-searching about life and its vulnerability and sensibility.

The images (except the second in the column) are the the images available in Google Images. I hold the copyright of none of these but the second one.