The book that I have dared to write is not necessarily about myself, but the truth is when I give birth to this book, the book is going to give birth to a new me. When I accomplish this project, I'm going to be another me. The process of writing and publishing the book will transform me and I will no longer going to be the same. The bitter truth, however, is that I'm not giving this project the devotion that it deserves. What a great potential this project carries and what an unjustly little share of my attention and mental energy I'm allocating to it.
The reason that I'm being so helplessly in the state of impasse is that I'm so much distorted. My sense of self has been distorted at this point. My daily life is both disoriented and disorganized. Life is at chaos. The universal energy is trying pass a very crucial message to me but I'm not being able to listen to the whisper. I've been disconnected from my essence. My vital life energy is running out. This is the reason great ideas are not springing.
I was in Nepal and I wished to get out of there. That happened. I arrived in the United States. However, I was in a embarrassingly small school having to pay $10,000 in tuition per year and having to live in an overcrowded apartment with stupid mates in Virginia. Then I made efforts to get myself out of there and relocate myself to a better university and better living conditions. That too happened as I transferred to Ramapo College of New Jersey. However, a fresh set of problems hit as I had to arrange $5000 very urgently. I was in despair resulting from the uncertainty. For now, the money for the first semester is paid out. Then at the recent present, I find myself at the fresh set of challenges: immunization requirement, lack of work on-campus, my inability to adhere to the values of my ideal self, the fact that my past keeps haunting me for whatever the reasons, and finally the anxiety that seems to be so much inherent in me.
While many urgent things tend to pull me apart, I find myself not being composed enough to do the project some favor. I have got to do a whole bunch of things to make sure that this project happens. That ranges from archiving the large database on the earthquake of Nepal and related stories. More importantly, I must reflect and meditate on the message that I want to deliver through my book. The book, while being an engaging narrative of the earthquake must also possess sufficient intellectual complexity and depth.
One reason that I'm showing so much inertia against the project might be the sense of doubt on my own capabilities. Deeply rooted in my psyche might be the question on my ability of writing a book on a topic as vast and serious as the earthquake. Moreover, the doubt over the publication of this book also might be snuffing my zeal on the project. I might not be seeing the underlying obstacle laid by the deeper factors.
However, whatever might be the excuses not to do, I must come up with the reasons to do.
If I get this project done, and if I get my book written and published.....my life will be at once catapulted into the situation when all my financial and psychological crises will be solved. All the conflict I'm embroiled with will vanish into the thin air and I'll be reborn. There are two paths leading to the opposite results: one is of giving in to the excuses of not doing the project; the other is of doing it. I have reasons to it. An enormous potential which has long been looking at me and teasing from a distance will be just unlocked. I will win the respect of myself. Winning the respect of myself is so much important. Being happy really matters. And I won't happy until I make things happen. I should no longer remain miserable. I should rescue myself out of this stupid condition. The only way out is by writing. I can at least get started with this. I must write my way out. I must write my way out.
I still find myself spending lots of time and mental energy in the trivia, which is so unfortunate. I don't understand why I'm letting myself be doomed. This should no longer remain the case.
The conflict in my personality! That's causing a big deal of friction in my daily life. It's bringing my efficiency down. The reason of the conflict is the awkwardness of situation and of perception I've been placed in. When I should have been pursuing a doctorate degree, when I should have been a famous writer and speaker already, when I should have been rich and sagacious, I still am circling in the trap of the undergraduate degrees, being a half-hearted writer, broke and stupid. My ideal self is shouting at me and I am trying so hard to ignore, which I clearly can't do.
It's been quite a while I've been stuck in an unfortunate state of worrying about things but not reflecting on the cores of my life. My actions don't seem in agreement with my values. My wisdom seems to have stagnated. I'm moving further every moment to the edge of helplessness. I should rescue myself out of this state immediately.
Whatever happened in life up to this point, happened. I might have done things right, or wrong or whatever. Because of whatever happened or whatever I did up to this point, I am what I am. Successful or failure. Mediocre or exemplary. Somewhere in between. I let go of whatever happened or could have happened in the past. I stop resenting about whatever I did or didn't do in the past. Instead I at this very moment, take mental conviction to take my life at my own command. I won't simply let life happen. I will take charge of it. From this moment. I won't falter after an hour. I will stay firm. And most importantly, I will make this project happen.
Whatever takes for the completion of this project, I will do. I will give my cent percent to make it happen. I am ready to work hard. To descend to the practical ground from the ground of philosophy, I will have to embrace a shift in lifestyle. Can I wake up at 5? For that can I go to bed pretty early? Probably at 11? Can I skip the late night dinner? Yes. I can. I should.
Whatever be the case, I will make it happen.
I will succeed.
The reason that I'm being so helplessly in the state of impasse is that I'm so much distorted. My sense of self has been distorted at this point. My daily life is both disoriented and disorganized. Life is at chaos. The universal energy is trying pass a very crucial message to me but I'm not being able to listen to the whisper. I've been disconnected from my essence. My vital life energy is running out. This is the reason great ideas are not springing.
I was in Nepal and I wished to get out of there. That happened. I arrived in the United States. However, I was in a embarrassingly small school having to pay $10,000 in tuition per year and having to live in an overcrowded apartment with stupid mates in Virginia. Then I made efforts to get myself out of there and relocate myself to a better university and better living conditions. That too happened as I transferred to Ramapo College of New Jersey. However, a fresh set of problems hit as I had to arrange $5000 very urgently. I was in despair resulting from the uncertainty. For now, the money for the first semester is paid out. Then at the recent present, I find myself at the fresh set of challenges: immunization requirement, lack of work on-campus, my inability to adhere to the values of my ideal self, the fact that my past keeps haunting me for whatever the reasons, and finally the anxiety that seems to be so much inherent in me.
While many urgent things tend to pull me apart, I find myself not being composed enough to do the project some favor. I have got to do a whole bunch of things to make sure that this project happens. That ranges from archiving the large database on the earthquake of Nepal and related stories. More importantly, I must reflect and meditate on the message that I want to deliver through my book. The book, while being an engaging narrative of the earthquake must also possess sufficient intellectual complexity and depth.
One reason that I'm showing so much inertia against the project might be the sense of doubt on my own capabilities. Deeply rooted in my psyche might be the question on my ability of writing a book on a topic as vast and serious as the earthquake. Moreover, the doubt over the publication of this book also might be snuffing my zeal on the project. I might not be seeing the underlying obstacle laid by the deeper factors.
However, whatever might be the excuses not to do, I must come up with the reasons to do.
If I get this project done, and if I get my book written and published.....my life will be at once catapulted into the situation when all my financial and psychological crises will be solved. All the conflict I'm embroiled with will vanish into the thin air and I'll be reborn. There are two paths leading to the opposite results: one is of giving in to the excuses of not doing the project; the other is of doing it. I have reasons to it. An enormous potential which has long been looking at me and teasing from a distance will be just unlocked. I will win the respect of myself. Winning the respect of myself is so much important. Being happy really matters. And I won't happy until I make things happen. I should no longer remain miserable. I should rescue myself out of this stupid condition. The only way out is by writing. I can at least get started with this. I must write my way out. I must write my way out.
I still find myself spending lots of time and mental energy in the trivia, which is so unfortunate. I don't understand why I'm letting myself be doomed. This should no longer remain the case.
The conflict in my personality! That's causing a big deal of friction in my daily life. It's bringing my efficiency down. The reason of the conflict is the awkwardness of situation and of perception I've been placed in. When I should have been pursuing a doctorate degree, when I should have been a famous writer and speaker already, when I should have been rich and sagacious, I still am circling in the trap of the undergraduate degrees, being a half-hearted writer, broke and stupid. My ideal self is shouting at me and I am trying so hard to ignore, which I clearly can't do.
It's been quite a while I've been stuck in an unfortunate state of worrying about things but not reflecting on the cores of my life. My actions don't seem in agreement with my values. My wisdom seems to have stagnated. I'm moving further every moment to the edge of helplessness. I should rescue myself out of this state immediately.
Whatever happened in life up to this point, happened. I might have done things right, or wrong or whatever. Because of whatever happened or whatever I did up to this point, I am what I am. Successful or failure. Mediocre or exemplary. Somewhere in between. I let go of whatever happened or could have happened in the past. I stop resenting about whatever I did or didn't do in the past. Instead I at this very moment, take mental conviction to take my life at my own command. I won't simply let life happen. I will take charge of it. From this moment. I won't falter after an hour. I will stay firm. And most importantly, I will make this project happen.
Whatever takes for the completion of this project, I will do. I will give my cent percent to make it happen. I am ready to work hard. To descend to the practical ground from the ground of philosophy, I will have to embrace a shift in lifestyle. Can I wake up at 5? For that can I go to bed pretty early? Probably at 11? Can I skip the late night dinner? Yes. I can. I should.
Whatever be the case, I will make it happen.
I will succeed.
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